19-08-2026, Wageningen, The Netherlands
I felt like writing today because it occurred to me that something incredible has happened; I found a way to exist without fatiguing myself. There is likely many things that have contributed to this, but the final drops of realisation were to not do anything fatiguing in the evening. That is, anything I deem fatiguing. This is a multi-layered finding, where the hard part had to come first for me. Because acknowledging that things can be fatiguing for you when they aren't for other people is difficult. "It shouldn't be fatiguing, so why can't I do it?"". I'm still working on giving myself the space and time that I need for certain things, especially those things that come easy to others. But I have forgiven myself for the time I require to recharge. This realisation alone wasn't enough; I needed a different realisation to combine it with. However, because of all of the harmful emissions I released in myself over the years, I damaged myself. Burning the fossil fuels that were my own mental wellbeing, I stopped being able to properly care about myself, I stopped being able to improve. This has happened a few times actually, though with rest it generally tends to come back. This last time however, it seemed to take a lot longer to come back. I started worrying if things would ever improve again, like I usually do, but it felt like I was very close to hitting a point of no return. However, I digress, that point of no return has not come for me, luckily. Because while it took all I had to get on self-help YouTube a few days ago and actually take advice again, I did it anyways. And what an excellent decision. Because I can now finally live a quiet life. Now I can finally say something dumb like "Just set hard limits, that worked for me!" As if all of the other work I have done on myself does not matter. Because in my head it clicked; "After dinner, if it's not too late, do not do anything fatiguing".
It's getting late. But it's also getting a bit quieter. Thank you for reading. Good night!
Kind regards,
yesjo